What About the Horses?

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You know what they say. Show me a fine piece of ass, and I’ll show you a dude who’s tired of banging her. Regardless of how hot she is there just comes a time where the wood doesn’t erect for her like it used too. You’ve done butt stuff. You’ve tried all the positions. Heck, you’ve even had her bring a friend to the dance and now the music just doesn’t make your blood pump to the spots that it used to.  

Jim Irsay knows the feeling. After over a decade of scoring with Peyton Manning he released him on March 7, 2012. Peyton was a little beat up but he was still sexy. Plenty of squads were still interested in hoping into bed with Peyton (the idea of seeing #18 in green and white had this blogger moist) but Mr. Irsay was tired of him.

Tom Brady also knows the feeling. In 2004 Tom started dating actress/model/smokebomb Bridget Moynahan. After two years of butt stuff, a plethora of positions and an ova/unda of fifteen minajs with certified dimes, TB was bored and cut ties.

As Tom and the Pats host Jim’s Colts in tonight’s AFC Championship, they’re looking like the sexy favorite. They’ve been here before (4^th straight, 9^th overall AFC Championship appearance) and this Colts group hasn’t. They beat Irsay’s Luck led squad down last year in the divisional round 43 to 22. They ran the football down the Colts throat and Gronk tossed Sergio “The Nature Boy” Brown out the club in this season’s 42 to 20 win. That Gronk guy is finally healthy and it looks like this Revis led defensive unit is the best that Pats have had since they raised the Lombardi in 2004.

With all that presented to us, it seems like the popular move is to #laythewood and take Tom’s squad to beat Irsay’s squad by more than a touchdown, but that’s not my move. I’m bored. Sure Tom is sexy. Sure he has a sexy ass wife. Sure he comes up big in the big spot but I’ve done it all with him and Coach Belichick. I’ve gone one in the pink two in the stink. I’ve done the Eiffel tower playing the middle person role, and we’ve even had Gronk ring the bell and say he’s here for the gangbang.  Sorry boys,I'm tired laying the wood with you,I want some fresh beef. 

Give this bored blogger Andrew Luck, his league leading 40 passing TDs this year, his aca-awkard chin beard and the touchdown.  

PATRIOTS (-7) 33 – Colts 27

-Fitzgerald

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p.s. You know how this works. I mention them, you get them...

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Clay Is Seattle's 13th Man Today

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AND

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As much as Mike Francesa wants to be wrong about the Patriots beating the Colts today, I want to be wrong with taking the Seahawks over the Packers today.  

Mike and I are similar in the way we love quarterbacks we are picking against today.  Mike loves him some Andrew Luck and I LOVE me some Aaron Rodgers.  Mr. Munn-believable has been my guy ever since his been smashing out Olivia Munn.  Any guy that can take care of business with a woman like that is good with me, even if he doesn't bang her right after a big win.  The only thing with that relationship is that I don't think Olivia did the right thing this week by not just shacking up in Seattle and giving my man a rub down every night.  I saw she was on 'Kelly and Michael' the other morning, which is about as far away from Seattle as you can be.  Bad job by her.

Rodgers is hurt, there is no doubt about it.  We saw him struggle at times last week against a poor Cowboy's defense, but then turned it on when it meant the most(even though he couldn't convert a 2 point conversion that would have gotten me the cover, but that's besides the point).  There's a big difference between Dallas and Seattle's defenses.  One is mediocre and the other is historic.  Also, one was on the road in one of the hardest places to play in the league and the other is at home with the biggest home field advantage in the league.

With some help from the best in the business RJ Bell, lets take a look at the numbers and some of them are pretty scary from a Green Bay perspective.  Over the last 4 seasons Seattle is 19-4-1 ATS in games played in December and later.  The Seahawks are 25-2 at home, covering 20 of those 27 games, since Russell Wilson became the QB.  The Packers were a measly 4-4 overall on the road this season and were outscored by 17 points in those games.  This is the 24th time Rodgers has been an underdog in his NFL career, going 7-16 overall in the previous 23, but a decent 11-11-1 ATS.  Today is the biggest underdog Aaron Rodgers has ever been.  

But the stat that stood out the most to me and had me jump on the Seahawks bandwagon was this: The last 10 times the Packers were underdogs, they won the game once and covered once.  Even though that is kind of deceiving because those include games that Rodgers missed last year that number is alarming.  Oh yea and Rodgers is hurt, did I say that yet.

Mr. Munn didn't practice for the 2nd straight week to try and rest that strained calf, but will it catch up to him this week against one of the all time best defenses?  I think so.  I also think that this will be one of those ground and pound specials where "Beast Mode" goes off all day.

Marshawn may be a big doucher because he doesn't talk to the media by giving answers like 'thank you' or 'I appreciate it' instead of answering the actual questions.  I am not a huge fan of that shit because these guys have a responsibility to give the media time to their jobs, but I don't know he really seems scared of the media.  Last year at media day during Super Bowl week he only spoke to Deion behind the curtains, like the the fuck was that?  Whatever.  I've got my contacts in the biz that say he's actually a good dude to work with and that comes from a very reliable source (or sauce) so I'm going with that.  Lastly, if you somehow manage to lose your wallet at a gas station I really hope Lynch is the one to find it.

Anyway day of the week I would take Rodgers over Wilson, but this injury really does scare the shit out of me.  Hey Aaron prove me wrong babe so I don't have to see that asshole Pete Carroll chewing his gum like a cow for the next 2 weeks.

Seahawks(-7.5)-23 Packers-14  UNDA 47

-Clay

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Love the song in the background of the Marshawn interview 

BUT, I like this version of the song better

Clay Lays The Cheesy Wood

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After busting their nut against a mediocre team last week, the 'Boyz come into Lambeau Field facing a whole new class of opponent.  

The big news heading into this classic match up is the health of one of NYMWS's favorites, Aaron Rodgers, or as we like to refer to him, Mr. Munn.  Tests have revealed that Mr. Munn actually has a tear in that calf of his.  Some may say "I didn't even know you could tear your calf" :cough: Fitzgerald :cough:, but other true cheese heads may say this is not an issue and our main man will still get the job done.  Rodgers will expose a poor defense that has over performed all season long, even on one good calf.

Speaking of defenses, those Green Bay Packers have a defense that has just been straight up sketchy this season.  They give up a million points one week against a bad team then will look great against a good team.  Today, however, the blonde bombshells led by my other brotha from anotha motha, Clay Matthews will cause some serious havoc against the Cowboyz quarterback.  BTW that Cowboys quarterback has a broken back and I can see Dom Capers sending the house continuously just to mess with Tony's head.

Going in lock step with messing with Tony, this will in turn mess with the self proclaimed "X-Factor" Dez Bryant or as I like to call him "Bitch-Factor".  There is no one in the game that bitches, complains, and throws tantrums like a 6 year old girl better than Dez.  I understand the man is talented, maybe the most talented in the NFL, but his T.O. type antics make him an absolute cancer on the sidelines.  I don;t care what Romo says to the media about Dez, I'd love to know what he actually thinks about him.  I have a funny feeling they don't have the same special relationship that the aforementioned T.O. had with Tony.

On the other side lines the Packers leading wide receiver is definitely not the most skilled pass catcher in the league but Jordy Nelson is a smart and quiet player that just does his job.  Characteristics like that will be key in a game like today where the temperatures will barely creep past the 20 degree mark at the frozen tundra and you have to direct all of your energy on staying focused on the game, not the officials.

After last weeks debacle by the zebras, I'm sure Dean Blandino mister Dean Blandino, has instructed his officials to keep an eye on everything in this one and the Pack will keep their cool in the cold, while Dez blows a gasket once again.

Packers(-6)35 Cowboyz-20

-Clay

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Fitzy Lays the Wood With the Champs

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Cam Newton and his boys get the pleasure of traveling to CenturyLink Field for some Saturday night divisional round fun against last season’s Super Bowl Champions. Last week we teamed up with Cam to lay some wood but that’s were our post season relationship with his squad ends. It was fun, it got the job done but at the end of the day it has to be a one and done because it’s time to get in bed with Russell, Beast Mode and Sherm.

The sketchy start to the year for the Seattle defensive unit is long gone and the champs are looking like…well…the champs.  The Hawks are currently on a six game winning streak that has this defense currently pitching a shutout in the 4^th quarter.  Cam, G-Reg, Kelvin and Clay’s BF J-Stew are in for a long one tonight against this badass defense. I’d suggest alternative options if you’re one of those weirdoes playing weekly playoff fantasy football.

Unfortunately for Kuechly and his mates, on the other side of the football the champs are looking like…well…the champs. Russell is cuttinga rug with his grams and Beast Mode is telling reporters and defenses to “HOLDMA DICKKKK”.  We’re a far cry from Lindley and whoever is running the rock for the Cards these days. Based on Roman Harper’s quote, it does seem like the Panthers defense has the right idea though…

"It isn't the prettiest thing, but we got a date to the prom at the end of the day, we're here. She's probably not the best-looking one; she's not going to win prom queen, but we'll have a good time."

Spike the punch, bang the chunky broad and lay the largest wood of the weekend tonight.

SEAHAWKS (-13) 31 – Panthers 6

-Fitzgerald

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Clay Goes UNDA Tom and Joe

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I want to preface this by saying that I do not like Joe Flacco, but the Ravens are not winning the game today, in Gillette Stadium, against the Patriots.  It's just not happening.  I am struggling to figure out if the Pats will win by more than 7 though.  I am just not too sure that's going to happen, so I am going to stay away from the line and go UNDA.

For some reason that doofus Flacco plays well in the playoffs.  Every time he makes it in the playoffs he wins at least a game, and a couple of years ago he brought the Ravens their 2nd Super Bowl title.  On his way to that Super Bowl he knocked off Tom Brady in Gillette, so many "experts" believe that he can do it again.  I say no.  I also think that Flacco, the Ernie looking freak, will be brutalized by the Patriots defense and the harsh New England weather.

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This January Joe garbage has to end and I see Chandler Jones and the rest of this defense doing their part.  Both defenses are big reasons why I love the UNDA today.  They're both extremely physically and very well coached.  I just can't see Tom Brady not being Tom Brady today, especially with Gronk, and his new party bus, having the season of his life.  

Terrell Suggs and that sweet ass of his may get his because he's a monster, but if the Pats can control the man on the other side, Elvis Dumervill, they will be successful.  There's one this that I think everyone knows and that is Tom Brady may be the most intense quarterback the NFL has ever seen.  And when he gets on a roll he's just about impossible to stop.

Look for Belicheck to have a game plan to aggravate the Baltimore offense so much that they only get 1 offense touchdown.  Field goals galore today for Justin Tucker and all that means is Flacco, Suggs, Dumervill, Justin Forsett, Steve Smith Sr., and Torrey Smith will not be singing along with our favorite WFAN producer and they will not "Beat Tom Brady"

Patriots-24 Ravens-16 UNDA 48

-Clay

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PS
Flacco completely out kicked his coverage am I right??

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PPS
"If Brady don't do well, he can still smash out Gisele, that's not too shabby"

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Fitzy Says How Bout them Dogs??

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Wild Card Weekend wraps up with what should be a wild one at AT&T Stadium Jerry's World when the Boys host the Lions later today. We're in for the wildest and most entertaining game of the weekend when Dem Boyz take the field against Matty and Mega. In fact, the only thing wilder and more entertaining than this game that you will watch today is this amazing Taiwanese anime preview of the matchup....

http://youtu.be/HQV4HISN5LI

America's team seems like they've finally figured it out. They have a decent trio of triplets once again in Romo, Dez and Murray. Two thirds of the trio had eventful record setting seasons as the Dallas offense seems to finally have that long desired balance that they've been in search of. Dez broke TO's franchise single season TD record and got all up in Joe Randle's ass for bringing up the whole fighting with Mama Dez thing again. Murray rushed for a league leading yardage total that saw him break Emmitt's single season franchise rushing yardage record and now it appears he didn't bang the fake Mrs. Clay. The record setting duo teamed with a strong offensive line, anchored by Zack "Hmm I'll Pass on Johnny Football" Martin, have allowed Tony Romo to lead them in capturing the NFC East title. 

On the other side of the football, Dallas has surprised as they've put a better than expected defensive unit on the field. Things were looking real sketchy when Sean Lee tore his ACL but Jerry made a trade with Baltimore for the "retired" Rolando McClain. The Boys convinced Rolando to come out of retirement to fill the void left by the Lee injury and he seems to be a perfect fit both on, and off, the field for this squad. Most of Rolando's impact has been in the box so the unit has been good against the run and not as good against the pass. 

The Lions offense has a plethora of talent. Although he was nicked up most of the year, when Megatron is Megatron, he's Cornwallis. And  when Cornwallis is Cornwallis, he's Alexander the Great. Megatron isn't the only receiver to watch in this Lions offense. Superbowl Champion Golden Tate has had Gretzy (99 Catches) year catching the football during his first season in Detroit. The backs are also impressive at catching the rock as Kim K's ex and Clay's boy Joique can create mismatches for opposing linebackers. Even with all these options, the Lions offense and Matt Stafford have somehow figured out a way to finish outside the top 20 in points per game for the 2014 season.

While the offense has underwhelmed, the Lion's defense has been bad ass. Anchored by numb footed Ndamukong Suh, they're amongst the leagues best against the run. Apparently Suh has a real strong Robin in outside linebacker DeAndre Levy. Forgive me for not knowing much about him as I haven't kept tabs on the Lions backers since Long Island's own Stephen Boyd called it career. 

The playoffs haven't been kind to either of these franchises in their last few appearances. The last time either of them won a playoff game was before the NYMWS Tag Team Champions even met. Clay was just some young douchey kid probably wearing kid size cargos and kid size skater shoes and I was torn between dressing in kid size FuBu jerseys or Gap Kids polo and sweater vests. That all ends today though as one of the two has to be the winner here. While I can't tell you which one is the winner I can tell you that the winner doesn't win this thing by a touchdown. Tony and Matt will throw it to their guys, the other teams guys, and create all sorts of other wild plays that we haven't even seen before. This wild Wild Card Weekend finale comes down to a field goal and I'm hoping Matt Prater is the one kicking it. Give me the bad ass defense and underachieving talented offense with the seven. 

Lions (+7) 26 - COWBOYS 23

-Fitzgerald 

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p.s. Someone get Taco on the horn and check the EBDB for me please. Are Romo and his bro-lo eskimo bros? How didn't I know this? Here's a little eye candy for you of Romo with his sexy wife and hot bro-lo.. 

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Clay Lays His Luck(y) Mini-Wood

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There are a couple of constants in life and one that pertains to today's football games and it's that the Bengals do not win playoff games unless my main man Boomer is the QB.  Especially with Andrew Luck quarterbacking the team on the other side.  
In the game that allows you the privilege to play Peyton and the Broncos in Denver next week, the Colts take on the Bengals in Indy today in the last AFC Wild Card game of the weekend.  
No A.J. Green, no Jermaine Gresham for the Bungals?  Shhhhhh I'll pass on them and I'll go with Luck and T.Y. all day.  The Colts defense is no good, especially their run defense, but they can use the dirty box D all day today and embarrass the Red Rifle just like he's used to in the post season.
I apologize for the short post, but it's been a rough morning and I wanted to throw up a short tribute to one of the greatest ever, Stuart Scott.  I've been on record on NYMWS on absolutely HATING ESPN which I do, but what I didn't tell you is that throughout elementary and middle school I' would wake up at 6am just so I could watch SportsCenter with Scott and Rich Eisen.  They changed my life, and helped me understand sports in a fun way.  Scott made me laugh every morning and has inspired me to do what I am doing with NYMWS. This shit is fun.  Sports is fun.  If you don't get that you should not be in the business.  Stuart Scott revolutionized sports journalism, television, and they way highlights are read.  Stuart will always be as cool as the other side of the pillow.  Thank you for the good times and all the love to all of your family and friends.  RESPECT and RIP.

Rich Eisen Tribute to Stuart Scott
SportsCenter Tribute to Stuart Scott
Stuart Scott's ESPY Speech


Colts(-3.5)-33 Bengals-20

-Clay

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Clay Goes OVA in the Steel City

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No Le'Veon Bell, no problem.  Has anyone ever heard of "Big" Ben Roethlisberger, only the leader passer in the NFL this year, and Antonio Brown, only the leading receiver in NFL this season?  Maybe you've heard of Joe Flacco and Torrey Smith, who is finally 100% healthy this year?  Two teams that have prided themselves on smash mouth defenses, come into tonights Wild Card match up at Heinz Field with two high powered offenses.

The Ravens defense has been good this season, I don't think that beast Terrell Suggs, Jimmy Smith, and Ladarius Webb going to be able to completely stop Big Ben.  Not even that aderral head Ngata will be able to do much to slow the Steelers QB.

Neither team has gone over the number the past FOUR weeks.  Folks, this is not a numbers pick this is a straight feel pick.

Joe Flacco will have to shoulder the load if the Ravens want to make a run at the title, so expect him to be tossing the rock tonight.  John Harbagh knows that if Flacco is Flacco he's a 1 time Super Bowl champion, so he can be dangerous.  Unfortunately for Baltimore, when Big Ben is Big Ben, he's a 2 time Super Bowl champion.

Mike Tomlin and the Steelers are going to go back to the old days and have a "Shotgun Saturday Night" and keep Ben out from under the center.  Lets just hope tonights version of "Shotgun Saturday Night" is just as entertaining as Sunny made it...

This one will come down to the final drive and expect a big stop by a not so good Steelers defense be the difference in the game.

Steelers-31 Ravens-30 OVA 44.5

-Clay

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SUNNY!!!

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