NY Morning Wood Sports

Clay's Week 13 Fantasy Minaj A Trois

Photo credit - hitfix.com / Filter - NYMWS

Viagra Play of the Week - Antonio Brown (Steelers WR)

(This guy is guaranteed to erect your point total)

Listen I know that that us here at NYMWS pride ourselves in getting our readers and listeners some of the greatest plays that no one is talking about, so me picking Antonio Brown goes against that notion, but my mistake I apologize I needed to let you folks know that Brown will be an absolute monster today. The Saints are plain bad and on the road they are abysmal. Antonio Brown and Fitz's Viagra play, Big Ben, are about to roll over that fat bastard Rob Ryan and his turrible defense. I agree with Fitzy and think Big Ben will toss the rock all over the field today, but he will find his #1 target the most. Brown will have at least 2 TD's receiving, he'll probably throw one himself, and shit he'll punch(or kick) the Saint's punter on his way to a punt return TD. Antonio Brown will steal the show and show off today even more than Dolph Ziggler ever has. But we all know its not showing off if you back it up and Antonio Brown will back it up today in Pittsburgh off of the bye.

BBW - Alfred Morris (Redskins RB)

(Blue Balls Warning - This guy will leave you painfully unsatisfied and wanting more)

This was a pretty easy one and here's why: The Redskins suck. Oh yea and they're also starting Colt McCoy today over their former franchise savior, Bob Griffin. This won't be another miracle victory for the old Longhorns QB, like when he beat the Cowboys in Dallas 5 weeks ago. The Colts have basically known all week that McCoy was getting the start today and I am positive they have put together defensive schemes to completely disrupt an already putrid Redskins offense. Not only will Colt McCoy be scared to the throw the ball, but Alfred Morris will shit his pants when he sees 9 guys in the box and get the ball handed to him. Lucas Oil Stadium will be loud and they will disrupt everything for the 'Skins, even their best player. Morris is coming off of a monster game against the 49ers, so that kind of worries me a bit(does it weary me? Well yes yes it does), but we all know the Colts are just going to dominate today and Morris will not have an opportunity to get into the end zone at all.

Moped Ride of the Week - Andre Ellington (Cardinals RB)

(This guy will be fun to ride for the week but you're not going to want to brag to your friends about doing it)

In contrast to Morris, Andre Ellington, had an awful game last week and has been pretty bad the last 3 weeks. This is also a guy that hasn't eclipse the 100 yard rushing mark once this season. Not ONCE! That's insane, but that's what you get when your quarterback position has been unsettled all season. Now it's different because it's Drew Stanton's team and he has yet another full week of practice taking the first team reps. A solid quarterback role opens up the running game and Ellington's role on one of the best teams in football. What a perfect start to ending the season on a high note by facing off against the worst team vs. the run in the NFL, the Falcons. Atlanta has made every running back they've tried to defend look like Emmitt Smith and this week will be no different. I understand that the Falcons play better at home in the dome, but bottom line is they are not a good team. The Cardinals offensive line must be drooling over the fact they will get to bully around a weak Falcon d line. Look for Ellington to finally break the 100 years rushing mark this week and also gathering a bunch of yards through the air while finding the end zone a couple of times.

-Clayton

What About The Dawgs-Clay Thinks Cleveland Rocks

Photo Credit - lehighvalleylive.com / Filter - NYMWS

With all of the attention solely on LeBron out in Cleveland, the Browns may be the most under the radar team in the NFL. Yea I get it, the Cavs play a different sport in a different league, but it doesn't matter. It seems like no one in the Cleveland really cares that their football team, that has been so bad since they've come back, is currently 7-4 and basically tied with the rest of their division for 1st place.

We also must understand that the Browns have this impressive record without arguably their best player, Josh Gordon, who just returned last week. Gordon was suspended for the first 10 games of the season for smoking weed and getting a DUI. Gordon didn't just sit around for the first 2 plus months of the season, the top receiver from the 2013 season stayed on the grind and sold cars at a used car dealership and was reportedly damn good at that too.

Josh Gordon take this Browns offense form miserable to decent with his presence of the field. He makes quarterback Brian Hoyer a better player and gives him an actual option on the outside rather than trying to get the ball to an old Kim K reject like Miles Austin who hasn't been an impact player in years.

Gordon also opens up the running game, something that the Browns have been searching for, because if an opponent stacks the box(or as Ben McAdoo would call a "Dirty Box") then Hoyer can just toss it up to his favorite pot head and let him do his thing.

So, with an offense on the rise and a defense that has been solid all year I can't find a reason how the Browns lose this game in Buffalo today. Is Vegas still hard from the Bills' beat down of the Jets on Monday? Maybe, but I just think that no one is a believer in the Browns yet. Yet.

Once ESPN notices that the Browns are really the team that runs "the mistake by the lake" then I think the Browns will get the love they deserve. But for now all of you should stop being sheep to the World Wide Leader in Sports and hop on the NYMWS bandwagon, take the Browns today with the points and say it with me "Fuck the Cavs".

Browns(+3.5)-23 Bills-16

-Clay

How cool would it be to smoke with Josh Gordon? Probably much cooler than with JR Smith or someone like that, but just make sure you don't get in the car with him after you smoke that fat blunt.

PPS
How high was Gordon when he got this tat???

Photo Credit-Samer Kalaf via Deadspin.com

Saturday, November 29, 2014

FantasyFitz's Week 13 Minaj a Trois

Photo credit - hitfix.com / Filter - NYMWS

Viagra Play of the Week - Big Ben (Steelers QB)

(This guy is guaranteed to erect your point total)

I feel so dirty doing this. Going quarterback in this spot feels kind of like banging a dirty girl on Thanksgiving Eve. You know you're going to score but you aint't going feel that cool bragging about it on the internet. Unfortunately I'm feeling like it's way to necessary to go Big Ben this week because most of us 'what have you done for me lately' fantasy footballers have forgotten about Ben's back to back 6 TD performance at home after the back to back BBW worthy performances he's given us in the last two weeks on the road. If you're deciding between Ben and another option this week (and that other option's name isn't Aaron, Tom, Peyton or Andrew) get my favorite raping chicks and throwing picks quarterback in your lineups this week.

BBW - Lamar Miller (Dolphins RB)

(Blue Balls Warning - This guy will leave you painfully unsatisfied and wanting more)

Lamar Miller heads to Jet's Stadium this week to face off against Fitz's Gang Green on Monday Night Football. Fantasy playaS with Miller in their lineup shouldn't look to hold on for the 'Monday Night Delight' this week. Obviously it's disaster time once again for the Jet's on offense as Geno gets back under center but Rex's defense should be able to bounce back from the stinker in Detroit. Look for Rex to draw something up for his front seven to control the game and limit Lamar on the ground. Mr. Miller might be a top 20 play on ESPN this week but I see him more in the 35 range. Expect less than 8 points in a non-ppr for him this week.

Moped Ride of the Week - Trent Richardson (Colts RB)

(This guy will be fun to ride for the week but you're not going to want to brag to your friends about doing it)

This one's for you Clayton. I owe it to you. Now's not the time to stress over the fact that I told you not to play Joique on Thanksgiving when he scored 21 in our non-ppr big money league. It's all about Trent this week. The Andrew Luck led Colts should score a lot of points this week against the Redskins and that means it's fall in the end zone time for Trent. The Andrew Luck led Colts should go up big this week against the Redskins and that means it's run the football time for Trent. Ahmad Bradshaw couldn't make the Colts forget they traded a first round pick for Trent, so certainly don't expect Dan Herron to do so. Trent should get fed enough to be a top 15 RB play this week and a top 20 flex play.

-FantasyFitz

Fitz & Peyton Are Back to Lay the Wood

Photo Credit-Zimbio/Filter-NYMWS

After two tough weeks of my tag team partner hogging the #LAYTHEWOOD column Peyton and I are back to return all the NYMWS Wood Layers to their winning ways. During Week 13's primetime Sunday Night Football contest Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos travel to Arrowhead to play a pivotal AFC West game against Coach Reid and the Chiefs. Their isn't much wood for us to lay here as Peyton is only laying 1.5 currently, but as the old saying goes..."no matter how tiny the wood is, when a man lays the wood, he lays the wood."

Everone's favorite "Game Manager" Alex Smith enters this contest with a 7-4 record (the same record as fellow AFC West QB and everyone's favorite "Window Throwa" Phil Rivers) after a brutal Thursday Night Football performance that saw them hand everyone's favorite "brand" their first win of the 2014 season. The Oakland loss dropped KC to 1-2 in the division and has left them in a bad spot when it comes to trying to win this tightly contested division. Any hopes of winning the division for Coach Reid, his team and his dope stache would require a Sunday Night Football upset that your boy Fitzy just doesn't see happening.

The Broncos are 1-3 ATS in their last 4 but look for them to get back to the 4-0 ATS run they were on as Wood Layers prior to this recent 1-3 stinky run. Peyton in primetime, in a pivotal divisional matchup, coming off a few sketchy performances, just screams "TIME TO COVER THE SPREAD FOLKS".

BRONCOS 24 at CHIEFS 20 (Broncos -1.5)

p.s. Shoutout to Carrie Underwood. She gives me wood every Sunday Night.

Photo credit: http://s1.ticketm.net/tm/en-us/dbimages/109411a.jpg

p.p.s. NY Morning Wood Sports sends their thoughts and prayers out to Chiefs' Safety Eric Berry during this tough medical time. #stayupEB

-Fitzgerald

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Clayton Goes OVA at MetLife

Photo Credit-Patrick E. McCarthy(Newsday) /Filter-NYMWS

I don't know about the rest of you Giants fans out there, but this has been one of the most frustrating seasons I've had in a LONG time. I've had Jets fans and columnists at the beginning of the season proclaim that this is the year the Jets take back New York. The Jets are 1-0 and the Giants are 0-1 so they are far and away the better team. Eli is no Geno. The Jets are clearly the best team in New York.
Well, not so much.
We've also had pieces of shit like Tiki Barber take shots at the Giants and more notably Tom Coughlin, as he called for his head. He claims that he get paid to "give an opinion", which he does, but he also claims that "this isn't personal", which is complete and utter bullshit. Let me tell you something about Tiki Barber, I don't think I've ever heard of a bigger fraud than this schmuck. He's and absolute bitter asshole that tried to knock Eli once before and what happened there? Oh yea, HE WON 2 SUPER BOWL MVPS! Suck on that Tiki. Tiki Barber has never won anything in his life. He was a good football player that felt he could whatever he wanted because of his tenure in New York and hated that Tom Coughlin tried to discipline him. Tiki hates Tom to his core. If you don't believe me go read his book. Tiki Barber can try and knock guys, but there's a bunch of reasons the Giants have been so successful recently and 2 of them are Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin.
Tiki here's some analyzation for you: The Giants are NOT a good team. I've been telling you this all year. It makes zero sense to can a coach over poor personnel, so do us all a favor and continue working on a show that no one listens to with that Craig Carton wanna-be Brandon Tierney and continue to stay irrelevant until you want to knock the Giants again.
Lastly, and maybe the #1 thing that grinds my gears about this season are the stupid ass Cowboy fans that came out of the wood work this season because they're actually playing well. I don't think there are bigger bunch of bandwagon losers than the fans that wear those stupid stars on their jerseys. I feel like I haven't heard one of these assholes in 15 years because they always go 8-8 and by the way they still have a chance to go .500 this year. A loss to the Giants would definitely help that cause.
Here's the thing, the GMEN are coming off of a miserable 16-10 loss at home, a game they should have one, but its tough to overcome 5 picks from your 2 time Super Bowl MVP. A lot of talk was about that 1st and goal from the 4 and why didn't Ben McAdoo can a running play. Well this pumpkin pie hair cutted freak lost his mind and didn't take the blame for that, he instead put the onus of blame on his quarterback. Why? Because just like Tiki, he's a loser.
I'm personally sick of McAdoo and his 1990s bowl cut and that's why I think that Eli is going to take his size 14 cleat and shove it right up his ass tonight.
Tonight is going to be a shoot out in Giants Stadium and it will come down to who will throw more TD's, Eli or Romo. I say Eli, but that just my opinion. If you want a fact, this game will be full of points and will go OVA.

Giants-35 Cowboys-30 (OVA 47)

-Clay

Email me (sluts only please)

PS
This is the pumpkin haircutted freak reference....

Gets me every time

Clay's Fantasy Minaj

Photo credit - hitfix.com / Filter - NYMWS

Viagra Play of the Week - Alfred Blue (Texans RB)

(This guy is guaranteed to erect your point total)

I'm not going to do it. I swear I'm not going to do the corny ass thing everyone expects me to do with this one. But what I am going to do is praise one of my favorite rookies this year(behind OBJ obviously). Alfred Blue is a stud that was an absolute steal in the 6th round out of OBJ's Alma mater, LSU.
Just think the Texans 1-2 punch at running back is Arian Foster, who went undrafted, and Blue the 6th rounder. That's some scouting team they got over there in Houston, huh?
The only problem with the Texans duo is that Foster can never stay healthy. Good thing Alf has emerged as one of the best backs in the league. I mean this guy is fast, strong, shifty, and powerful. He's also what we in the biz would call a down field runna.
It looks like Foster is primed for another week on the sidelines in his sweatsuit with a stiff groin so Alf will be called on again to shoulder the load. Maybe he gets another 36 carries like last week? Who knows, but all I know is he'll get his ass in the end zone a couple of times.
Like I said I'm not going to do it.

Maybe just once???

BBW - Philip Rivers (Chargers QB)

(Blue Balls Warning - This guy will leave you painfully unsatisfied and wanting more)

Da window throwa himself. But this isn't the window throw we know and love. My man is hurt. Did anyone else see him limping around last week against the Raiders looking like an old man? Rivers is supposedly suffering from a "severe rib injury", according to our favorite 2 time guest star on "The League", Antonio Gates. The Chargers say there is nothing wrong with Rivers, but I disagree with that completely after the embarrassment Rivers put up last week.
The Chargers running game is next to nothing recently and there's no coincidence that since the ground game has sucked so has Rivers. My man has absolutely zero time to get rid of the ball and he keeps taking shot after shot. This spells doom against a team in the Rams that have teed off in recent weeks against the likes of Peyton Manning and Colin Kaepernick.
The Rams have 13 sacks in the last 3 weeks, so I hate to say it but da window throwa won't be throwing through any windows today. Keep him on your bench so you can win your match up this week or Antonio Gates will punch you right in the face.

Moped Ride of the Week - Zach Mettenberger (Titans QB)

(This guy will be fun to ride for the week but you're not going to want to brag to your friends about doing it)

I referred to Mettenberger last week as the wanna be Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused, but after watching him last week on MNF, I gotta say I'm a fan. Even though I'm a USC guy, this UCLA product has a cannon and he's a smart dude. I think his team absolutely sucks and no matter what they will find a way to lose, but with this selfie loving mofo at the helm they're on the right track to success.
What better couple of games for Mettenberger to gain confidence in the NFL than against some awful secondaries starting last week with the Steelers and continuing this week with the Eagles. 'Berger will drop the hammer out at the Linc this afternoon and keep your fantasy team alive for the playoff push. Again the Titans will lose, but if you play him on your own fantasy team you will win. Just make sure you drop him immediately after this week because I mean he's just a hump and dump.

-Clay

Email me (sluts only please)

PS
With all of this talk about "The League" we can't forget to congratulate our favorite plastic surgeon here at NYMWS Dr. Andre Nowzick, on his 2nd Shiva Bowl Championship!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Fitz's What About the Dogs?

Photo Credit - lehighvalleylive.com / Filter - NYMWS

Fitzy ain't scared. He ain't ever scared. That's why this week we're outside of the club and we're going back to the well. Sure Coach Coughlin, Eli, The Offensive Coordinator with the Mushroom Cut and the rest of the G-Men let us down last week on this very column. But it's time to forgive and forget because there's a little water left in that well and we're going to try to suck it dry this week.

Big Blue is playing the home-dogs role again this week at Jet's Stadium against Tony Romo and the Cowboys on Sunday Night. Now last week it was sketchy because we talked about how much the GMEN suck the big one. This week it's sketchy because the Cowboys are undefeated ATS on the road. Or....or...or..maybe it's not sketchy because Eli and his tribe are the best bet to disrupt such a ridiculous ATS record. No way, no how can Tony keep this up. Sure Dez gets in the end zone. Sure D-Murray gets his. Sure this thing goes OVA!

But have no fear Big Blue Nation. Eli, O-BJ, Rashaad and whoever else the Offensive Coordinator with the Mushroom Cut gets involved will help you shock the world on Sunday Night.

Cowboy 24 at Giants 27....(Giants +3.5)

p.s. Don't let it drop below a field goal because I can't guarantee the GMEN don't lose this thing on a last minute field goal. (aka buy the hook if it's at +3)

WELCOME TO NEW YORK....

-Fitzgerald

FantasyFitz's Week 12 Minaj a Trois

Photo credit - hitfix.com / Filter - NYMWS

Viagra Play of the Week - Tre Mason(Rams RB)

(This guy is guaranteed to erect your point total)

It's Tre Mason time folks. 29 (yeah that's right 29!) carries last week for our boy means that Coach Fisher and the Rams finally get it. Tre Mason is the best back on this team and it's time for us to follow his new the theme song (FEED ME MORE). This is probably let down city for the Rams heading out to San Diego but the bottom line is if they want to win this thing they're going to have to follow last week's formula. Run the football and keep the quarterback off the field. Tre should get 25 carries and that will be enough for 100 and a score in the Ram's effort to beat everyone's favorite WINDOW THROWA.

BBW - Josh Gordon (Browns WR)

(Blue Balls Warning - This guy will leave you painfully unsatisfied and wanting more)

Somebody has to be the one to do it. Everyones favorite weed smoker who doesn't blog for NYNWS gets back on the playing field this week and it seems like expectations are high by many fantasy experts in the industry. It seems like most have him ranked between the 10-20 range for wide receivers, but I'm going to be the one to say #NOPE2DOPE this week. While I'll applaud anyone who's stashed Josh this long (and I'm sure anyone who's stashed him this long needs to play him here), I think our boy lays a dud. Let's keep it real. Besides the fact that it's first game back on a run happy team, our boy Josh Gordon needs to survive a night out in the ATL before he even takes the field on Sunday. Plenty of trouble for him to get into. I've seen that film with the rubber band man. Shit gets real in the ATL.

Moped Ride of the Week - Vincent Jackson (Bucs WR)

(This guy will be fun to ride for the week but you're not going to want to brag to your friends about doing it)

Josh McCown returns to the Windy City this week and as the troubled Windy City Quaterback Jay Cutler told everybody this week, this guy will make you better. The player Josh will be making better this week is forgotten wide receiver Vincent Jackson. The lesser known member of the 'Jackson 5' has become the lesser known member of the Buc's wide receiver corp lately as Mike Evans has seemed to become the new numero uno in the city famously known for Ybor City. With all the attention on the former aggie, look for V-Jax to be open enough to help your fantasy lineup this week.

-FantasyFitz

Fitzy, Papa John's Spokesman & Lauren Tannehill's Husband Go OVA

Photo Credit-Patrick E. McCarthy(Newsday) /Filter-NYMWS

Good news playas. It's bounce back time again with the great Peyton Manning. Only this time we're not going against a weird winless team and we're not laying the wood. Peyton and Co. host Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins tomorrow at Sports Authority Field at Mile High and the better looking half of @NYMWS is here to tell you that the point total in this one is going to be similar to the altitude.

The Broncos were tripped up last week on the road by the St. Louis Rams in a contest that saw Peyton put up 22.3 less points than his season point per game average. The Broncos are now sporting a 7-3 record and wouldn't you know they've only scored less than their season PPG total in their three losses this season. Ok, so now you're wondering, why's that relevant Fitzgerald? That's relevant because there is absolutely NO CHANCE the Broncos lose this one. Look for them to bounce back big time with a win that is fueled by their high powered offense. And oh yeah, Emmanuel Sanders being dead and Julius Thomas maybe not playing won't stop Peyton from scoring in the thirties. While it's all well and great that the Bronocs are going to throw up a thirty plus spot in this game, we're still going to need our wingman to help us ultimately score.

I recently came across an article that was titled "3 Things the Miami Dolphins' Defense Must Do vs Denver Broncos". Personally, I laughed. I'm sure the guy that wrote this is just doing his job and is a talented reporter. But the bottom line is, there isn't shit the Dolphins' Defense can do vs the Broncos. Peyton's putting up thirty plus and there isn't anything this Dolphin defense can do to stop it. Heck, they can send that smokebomb Launen Tannehill to Peyton's place and she could offer Peyton all kinds of weird sexual shit in exchange for not finding the end zone. Our boy Peyton is still scoring his thirty plus. The Dolphins best shot is to roll Tannehill out there and let him try to keep up. Let Ry-guy go do his thing and hang somewhere near his 24.9 PPG average on the scoreboard.

Broncos 31 - Dolphins 24...OVA 47.5

-Fitzgerald

Photo credit: rumorsandrants.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Lauren-Tannehill.jpg

Clay Lays The Wood With AROD

Photo Credit-Zimbio/Filter-NYMWS

Even though I wish that the AROD I am referring to in my title was my 3rd baseman, Alex Rodriguez, I think everyone understand that I am talking about Mr. Munn himself, Aaron Rodgers. I've said it once and I'll say it again this guy is a special playa, not only on the field, but obviously also off it by bagging his brunette southern belle. This isn't Fitzgerald though, so I will not be drooling over her this whole post, but I will be drooling all over the team that Rodgers quarterbacks.

Photo Credit-The Taylor Network & G4

Ok. Now I'll focus on that team. I swear.
Green Bay is on an incredible run at the moment. The Pack has won 6 of their last 7 games after starting the season 1-2 and they have dismantled their last 2 opponents by a combined score of 108-34(!). Listen I get that the Bears aren't good this year, but they are still a division opponent and the fact that the Packers got in that ass with a final score of 55-14 is insane. Oh yea and how about our guy Marky Mark Sanchez? The Sanchize looked like a stud in his first start in over 2 years, but last week Green Bay brought him back to his old Jets days and basically shoved a hotdog right down his Eagles throat by spanking them 53-20. Just stupid.

The Packers have an offense that is clicking at the moment like no one else in the NFL, and good news for them, they get to see a Vikings team this week that can't do shit on offense and can't stop a nosebleed on defense.

This is the second time these 2 will face each other this year, as Grenn Bay won handily 7 weeks back, 42-7 at Lambeau. Yes, the Vikings will be home this time around but they don't even have their own stadium. They play at an outdoor college stadium because these genius' in Minnesota thought it'd be a good idea to knock down the Metrodome before their new place was built. Again, just stupid.

Rodgers is a master of the cold, ok. I mean like Big Mike said "he can win on Mars", so going into this dump in Minnesota shouldn't be an issue.

Teddy Bridgewater, the Vikings QB, will be a good player some day but not this week. The kids going to be overmatched. He's got no running game, no receivers to throw to and he's going to be playing from behind from the coin flip.

I mean how could ANYONE have a chance against a team that's in the trailer for a major motion picture????(See 1:05)

Packers(-9)-45 Vikings-14

-ClayTON